...The Headstone Crumbling Behind...

I Sware Fate Was Dealing with the Wrong Deck

2005-07-27T21:42:38Z

"I Sware Fate Was Dealing with the Wrong Deck"

Pin hole puncture
A disgrace to the structure
A disgrace
To the structure
A disgrace to what we’ve tried
To build with these shaking hands

We were so nervous
Going into this
You said
This would last forever
But as we embraced
Sharp metal pierced my back

And as I backed away
There was hostility in your eyes
Blood dripping from your hands
You said
That you couldn’t help the way you felt
Couldn’t make up a feeling
You’d be living a lie

These tears (they’ll never mean a thing)
To all that you were
All that I ever wanted from this (was a little bit of friendship)
Not all this pain that you’ve caused
(Stop throwing salt in my wounds)

And every fear
That I’ve kept to myself
Has been realized through you
You reached out
Grabbed my trust so quickly
You’ve hung it out to dry

And I’ll never be so quick
To ever trust again
I’ll keep my feelings tucked away
You won’t be able to
Play off these emotions
You’ll never
See this face this way again

You’ve probably lost
The best thing you’ll ever have
Had the chance to embrace

This Situation: You Should Never Look Back

2005-07-27T06:48:16Z

"This Situation: You Should Never Look Back"

Never say never
Say not always but sometimes
We’ve lost touch with who we were
It seems our will to strive
Has been ripped straight from our guts
But
Before this day is over
We need to paint this town red
Let’s make it fucking bleed
Our life lines are getting fainter
They are getting harder and harder to read
So take my hand
We’ll damage the night sky
Before our hearts begin to falter

Take this one chance
(never look back)
Don’t you want this to be
(something you’re proud of)

They said we need to make something
Of our pathetic lives
But how can we
When we’ve never even started to live?
We should pick up where
Generations left off before us
Let’s make something of this
Let’s become what they never
Had the heart to let themselves be

Promise me you’ll never look back
That you’ll never regret this
We’ll paint this town red
We’ll damage this night sky
We’ll put a perminate mark
Into generations to come
Let’s make something of this
Let’s make something
Out of this nothing we’ve been handed

Phrases and Dissapointments

2005-07-27T06:03:09Z

"Phrases and Dissapointments"

With each passing phrase
My heart sinks deeper
Retreats deep into my chest
I can’t believe my ears
As the words find there way inside
It’s getting harder to breath
And to keep these tired eyes dry

I’d write down exactly how I felt
If I could find the words to describe
How twisted everything feels inside
It just hurts so much
To know that you’re fine with out me
And I’m falling apart
Holding on to false promises

I’d say goodbye if it meant that I could forget
That none of this would mean a thing
I’d forget if it was easy as saying goodbye
But this mark you left feels so permanent

I wonder how I could be such a fool
To put all my faith in you
To take this trust and keep it with you
I’ve let myself slip
It seems that I’ve fallen a bit too hard
And as I reach up for your hand
You always knock it right back down

And each word that passes from these lips
Sound as insignificant as the next
Your neglection makes me want to die inside
I want to choke on every phrase
That I’ve ever said
The ones that came straight
From deep inside my heart

Heart in Hand

2005-05-03T22:26:01Z

"Heart in Hand"

Standing on a dark street corner
With her heart tightly clenched in her first
Her eyes are wide open
They can see the world now
There is blood all over her dress
There’s a whole deep in her chest

She’s been dazed for quite some time now
Stuck deep inside a mess
Every where she turned she saw a blocked exit
No where to go and no one to turn too
She found one solution
Get rid of the one thing that kept her trapped here

As she closed her eyes tight
She clenched her fist and punched open her chest
She broke open her ribs
And slid past her lungs
Taking in a big gasp of air
She ripped out her heart, her biggest handicap

When she opened up her eyes
She saw a bright light shining down upon her
Her eyes blinked and she saw the streetlights
As they glowed on through the night
The town she found herself in was empty
It felt cold and alone

She could hear her heart still beating
As she stood there on the street corner
Her thoughts began to race as she stared out into the empty streets
Opening up she tried to shout
But nothing came out of her shallow lungs
But her heart kept on beating, the sound haunting her dreams

Selling the Dream

2005-04-07T02:07:02Z

Wow, so here is Part 7. Sorry it took so long, and sorry if it's boring. I needed to get back into the swing of things. Let me know what you think and what you think should happen next. Thanks.

Selling the Dream

Jade stood next to the doorway of Steve’s office. The door was cracked open just a tiny bit, enough where his conversation caught her ear. Steve was sitting at his clumsy, wooden desk, talking on the telephone. His voice was somewhat distressed and sweat was dripping from his brow. He was leaning back in his chair trying to stay comfortable. Jade was listening intently to his conversation.
“I just can’t let this place go to anyone. I have someone in mind, but I doubt with his new success he will want to buy this place from me…no…well yes…I guess I do have someone else that might be willing to buy the place and keep it’s intended purpose, but the thing is, I doubt they have the money to buy this place. I’ve put so much into this place; it’s worth almost a half a million.”
Jade clutched the doorframe when she heard this. “Half a million? There is no way in hell I could come up with that much money,” she thought to herself.
“Uh huh, I see what you are saying. I could get my money’s worth if I did accept the guy’s offer, but I don’t know if I would be able to live the rest of my life knowing I sold it to some major corporation suit and tie crybaby. That’s not the type of person you want to run a place like this. You want someone who knows the business…you know concert business. The way the kids will react to certain bands, set ups, standing in long lines in the rain. Basically someone who has experienced all this shit first hand. If this guy comes in he probably won’t have any idea at all what’s going on or how to handle anything…”
“No…you just can’t come in and start booking bands, it doesn’t work that way. Chances are this guy will book huge bands that only the above ground kids will want to see. This place was designed to handle underground bands…not those major label pussy bands….yes I know what you are saying, but if he books those bands he will have to come in here and knock down part of the building and make the stage area bigger. This place is fine the way it stands.”
Steve took a deep breath and leaned on his desk. There was silence for awhile and Jade held her breath while she waited for Steve to continue his side of the argument. While she waited David came walking down the narrow and dark hallway. When he saw her there was a puzzled look on his face. He went to open his mouth to say something to her but she put her finger to her lips in and effort to tell him to be silent.
He walked over to her and stood next to her and whispered to her, “What are you doing?”
“I’m listening to Steve’s phone conversation; he is talking about selling the place. This is the only way I’ll get to know more about it since he refuses to discuss it with any of us,” Jade whispered in reply.
A guilty look came across David’s face, which Jade did not see, and he took her hand. “Oh,” he said and stood there with her and listened. Jade had hardly noticed that he had taken her hand and this worried David. She had been so distracted lately and he couldn’t take it.
“Ha, ha! No! Absolutely not! I can’t let anyone know that I’m selling this place. If the kids knew I was giving the ownership over to someone that didn’t already work here, they would flip out. Maybe even boycott the place. There would go the last few months of a booming business. I’ve got a good thing going here, I don’t want to ruin it before I leave and I want to keep it going for the next person.”
There was a few minute pause and then he continued, “No, it’s not about making money anymore. That was about ten years ago. When I started this whole thing I had in mind saving the scene. I was in my early twenties, I was a punk, and I wanted to beat the man. As I grew up I made a career out of ‘bringing down the man’ and then I started to get greedy. I wanted to make as much money as I could, and those couple years were some of the worst of my life. Business went down and I wasn’t having any fun. When David came into the picture I realized what it was like to be younger again, with a big dream in mind. I went back to the good old days and business was fine again.”
“I don’t want to come in a couple years from now and find that this place has completely changed and that business isn’t as good as it was because of it. This place has almost always been for the kids and their music. Not for the corporate pockets of money bags….no…no I understand…but you see…no…what don’t you understand? I could go back and forth stating the same thing to you and you still wouldn’t get it….yes, I know, but….no…fine. I guess I could meet with him just to see what he is all about. I’ll tell you this right now if he comes in here and says one word about what he could do to change this place I’m kicking his ass right out onto the street….ha, ha, yeah I’m sure I won’t regret it.”
With that Steve hung up the phone and leaned back into his chair. Jade took a deep breath and let go of the doorway. David tugged at her hand and she looked at him puzzled, almost as if she forgot he was there. He pulled her closer and kissed her on the lips.
At that moment Steve came walking out of his office. “What are you two doing?” he asked them playfully.
Jade turned to him pulling away from David. “Uh, sorry Steve.”
“Ha, ha, it’s alright Jade. I just didn’t expect to walk outside my office and find you two making out. You guys usually leave that stuff for non-work hours,” he said smiling and wiping the sweat off his forehead. “You two should get back to work though; we have a show happening in here in less than two hours.”
Jade nodded and began to walk past Steve and down the hallway. When she had turned the corner, David stopped watching her and looked back at Steve. “Come on in the office kid, we’ve got something to discuss,” Steve said as he began to walk inside the office.
David’s face became grim as he followed him in and took a seat in front of his desk. Steve sat down and forced a smile on his face. “We can’t put off talking about this any longer,” Steve said as he folded his hands on his desk.

Later that night David was sprawled out on a lounge chair with Jade by his side. His arms were around her holding her close and her head rested on his chest. The two sat in silence looking out from the balcony onto the town before them. David was content now, finally getting to spend some time with her, and she didn’t seem so distracted this evening.
“Jade,” he said to her quietly.
“Yes?” she replied looking up.
“I love you,” he said, a smile creeping across his face.
“I love you too darling,” she replied. Then he bent his head down and kissed her gently on the lips. He wrapped his arms tighter around her waist.
“Jade…”
“Yes?”
There was a slight pause and then he said, “Never mind.” He then began to intertwine his fingers with hers. She began to smile and when she looked up at him there was no sign of happiness on his face. He was looking down at her but his focus wasn’t really on her. Confusion was beginning to rise with in her.
“Davey…”
He didn’t say anything just raised his eyebrows in a gesture of showing her that he did hear her.
“Davey…is something bothering you?” He shook his head. “Are you sure? You seem…not yourself.”
“I’m just tired,” he replied now looking her deep in the eyes.
“Are you sure there isn’t anything on your mind that is bothering you?”
He smiled, “There is always something on my mind Jade, and you of all people should know that.”
“Well, are you sure it isn’t anything you need to get off your chest?”
There was a pause. Jade sat up and turned to him as best as she could. He looked down and took her hands in his. “Jade…lately, I’ve been worried about you. Every time I would show some affection, you seemed distracted and not really notice. In the hall today I grabbed your hand and you didn’t squeeze it back or look at me the way you used to. I mean, I could just be crazy and paranoid, but there is defiantly something going on inside that head of yours. There isn’t another guy is there?”
She squeezed his hands and then with her right hand lifted up his chin to look at him in the eyes. “David, why would you think there was another guy? You know I love you more than the world. If there has been any lack of affection it’s due to the fact that my mind is busy thinking about Steve selling the Four Sided Octagon. You know how that place has been my home since I’ve got here. I can’t stand to see it just go to some random guy with lots of cash in his pocket.”
“Don’t worry about that. You were listening in on Steve’s phone conversation…plus, I have it covered.”
“What do you mean?” Jade asked puzzled.
“You seem to forget that I’m Steve’s right hand man. He goes to me about everything. When he needed to know what to buy his wife for their anniversary, I was there to pick something out. When he needed to know the perfect color to paint the Four Sided Octagon, I was there for him. I’m like the son he never had. Don’t worry Jade, the business will stay in the family.”
He ran his fingers through her hair and then continued, “Just don’t worry about it…live in the moment that is now, not stuck wondering what is going to happen in the future. You never know when the things that you love will no longer be there with you when you wake up.” His face now became grim and then he forced a slight smile on his face.
“David, what are you talking about? Is there something else you aren’t telling me?” Jade asked looking deep into his eyes with concern. “What do you mean by not being there when you wake up?”
He kissed her lips gently. “Don’t worry about it my love…just think of here and now.”
Jade leaned over and kissed him and then lay back down with her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist once again and she took his hands in hers. He kissed the top of her head and she slowly began to fall asleep.

That morning the phone began to ring in David’s apartment. He could barely hear it from the sound of the shower running. Quickly he jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his body and went into the living room to answer the phone.
“Hello?” he said as he answered.
“Hey, it’s Kenny. You alone?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Yeah, Jade left about a half hour ago,” he replied as he sat down on the couch.
“Ok, good. Now listen to me, I need to know if you want to do this or not….” Kenny said in a stern tone.
David sighed and replied, “Kenny, you know I want to do this. It’s been my dream to go on a tour across the US. We never got a chance to do this before…”
“…but?” Kenny interrupted.
“But, I don’t know if I can leave right now. So much is going on. The Four Sided Octagon is going to be sold and Jade is a basically a wreck over it. I can’t leave her with no one to turn to. Her only other friend was just put into rehab about six months ago, I’m afraid he is going to walk out and come back before he is completely sober.”
“David, listen to me here…I know Jade means the world to you but this is a once in a life time deal for you. This could be our big break. You wouldn’t want to let us down would you?”
“No I wouldn’t but…”
“You have a few months to wrap up business there before we head out. We won’t be gone that long…just two months of non-stop touring. We are ready for this David…we’ve got a demo recorded and all that jazz. If we do well, they offered to give us a record deal. We can’t pass this up.”
There was silence for awhile. “David, you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I already talked to Steve about this…he is willing to give me the days off, even though he doesn’t think he is going to be the owner any more by then. I’ve been setting up my life accordingly to put everything on hold while I’m gone…”
“But you still haven’t talked to Jade…”
Anger was beginning to rise in David, “Yes I know I still haven’t talked to her! It’s not that simple to talk to her about this. Kenny, I could lose her. The last time a boy friend of hers went on a tour he came back a completely different person, one who preferred men. I don’t want her to think that I’ll come back the way he did. I want her to know that no matter what I will always love her and that she is on my mind. I would just take her with us, but she has to hold the fort down here.”
There was silence again as David tried to hold back tears. “David, just tell her. If she loves you, she will understand.”
“Kenny, let me ask you a question…have you ever loved a girl so much that every time you think about being miles away from her your insides hurt?”
“No…can’t say that I have…but…”
“Well, that’s how I feel. She is only two floors above me and I miss her like hell. I will be there on that tour, you just have to give me some time to talk to her. We aren’t leaving for another month and a half…that gives me some time. So go ahead and make the arrangements. I’m in. Just don’t ask me if I’ve talked to her yet, ok?”
“Ok. Thanks David, you wont regret this. We are going to have the time of our lives out there! It’s what we’ve always dreamed of!”
“Right,” David said as he hung up the phone. He leaned back in the couch and took a deep breath. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell her about this…” he said out loud to himself, sighing.
With a loud sigh he got up and walked back into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the fogged up mirror then down at the scar on his arm. It had faded quite a bit in the past couple months but it still haunted his skin. He ran his fingers over it and his thoughts raced inside his head about everything that was going on. Too much was happening and not enough of a solution was rising before him.
“Don’t worry about it kid, just think of now. Go day by day until you have to face it. You still have time…she doesn’t know anything,” he said to himself. Taking one last look in the fogged up mirror he took off the towel and got back into the shower.

♥

This Doesn't Really Cover It

2005-03-08T02:56:31Z

"This Doesn't Really Cover It"

The ground has been shaking under my feet
This foundation is loose
It's quaking and breaking
And I see you on the other side
With your arms open wide
But they aren't outstretched for me
They're for someone else

I watch them as I see
The fear wiped away from their faces
By your smile and grace
I envy them
For it seems they have taken my place
The one is my reflection
Just stripped of the morals

I'll hold on tight to these rocks
As they crumble and fall
I'll escape to these cracks
The only world that seems to accept me
To welcome me with open arms
The rocks are jagged and stab me as I fall
But at least I can see them
I expect the physical pain

I know this is just a dream
I shake my head to try and open these eyes
But as I hit the rocks
It feels so much like reality
But how could this be?
A world with out you
Is like living in a constant state of hell
I need to wake up

"Non-Medicated X" and "There Are No Such Things as Fairy Tales"

2005-02-20T03:15:38Z

“Non-Medicated X”

I walk around alone
With an X carved deep into my heart
It bleeds every time I begin to regret
I’d try sewing it up
But I can’t find enough string
Or a needle with a sharp enough tip

I wish I could walk this path
With someone who understands
But they’ve all forgotten
Their morals at the door
It’s to hard to play along with their game
When everything feels so wrong, it feels so fake

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like
To have a medicated smile
Would I forget everything I’ve ever known?
Would I become everything I’ve never wanted to be?
The air always smells heavily of abused chemicals
I’m suffocating in my own world

Lately I’ve been so urged
To carve X’s down my arm
The more I see them
The stronger I pretend to feel
They make up for what isn’t there
But it’s only a temporary comfort

I’ve heard voices that told me
That it was alright
That they would be here with me
Standing with the same beliefs in hand
But every time I turn around
They are never there, they are never there to sew up this wound

“There Are Not Such Things as Fairy Tales”

Let’s forget all the fairy tales
That they told us when we were children
This life isn’t a story book
There are no happy endings

Prince charming will never
Save the princess from her tower
She’ll swing from her heights
Until a final breath escapes her lungs

The wizard with all his magic
Won’t be able to save this kingdom
His potions were consumed
They created evil hearts

The Queen will be denied her thrown
The common man won’t let her rule alone
They’ll push and shove until she’s on the edge
She’ll plunge into the mote just to escape

Every young prince will choke
On what task is put before him
They will not overcome their obstacles
They’ll drown in their self-torment

Every fairy tale they ever told us
Was a false hope
An unapproachable dream
They are as fake as we make ourselves

Another Sorry Tale

2005-02-16T02:38:29Z

"Another Sorry Tale"

I'm a ghost face
In a nothing town
I am no where
I am nothing
Alone in this room
I will stand
I've got everything to hide
And everything to lose
I've got nothing on my side
I'm afraid of my own kind

And if I asked you
Would you save me?
And if I asked you
Would you set me free?

I'm living in false hopes
I'm surrounded by hatred
I'll turn my back
And fall face first
Into everything you left behind
My feelings they don't exist
Until you feel something
I need to cut these lifelines
Before they're the death of me

And if I asked you
Would you save me?
And if I asked you
Would you set me free?

Am I living for nothing?
Do these chains restrict my breath?
I need to know right now
If it's even worth staying
I could just slit the lifeline
And say goodbye
Just as easily as falling behind
I don't see a purpose
Of me staying here
I'm nothing to anyone
Just figment of my own imagination

And if I asked you
Would you save me?
Would you save me from myself?
And if I asked you
Would you set me free?
Would you set me free form all these self-inflicted miseries?

I know that somewhere
There is a place for me
Where I will feel
That I'm home and not alone
And I know that one-day someone
Will hear all my cries
And I won't feel
Like I'm a burden
And that I fit right in

And if I asked you
Would you save me?
(Of course not I'm worthless)
And if I asked you
Would you set me free?
(Of course not I'm trapped here forever

"Self Torment" and "Her Romance"

2005-02-14T22:09:46Z

"Self Torment"

A pin through a frail heart
It's been torn from the start
She's been falling apart
And she feels so alone

She doesn't to be forgotten
But she feels that she is fading from their memories
Her stomach feels sick from all her worries
All these things she puts herself through isn't fair

No one did this
She feel upon the pin herself
No one cause these regrets
She hold her bleeding heart in her own bruised hands

She wonders if everything was perfect
Would she be stuck in such a state?
Would she feel so broken to the point
Where she didn't want to live?

Her heart is broken
She is torn
Broken dreams are scattered on the floor
And the writing on the walls is fading

And nobody did this
She did this to herself
nd nobody did this
She's got to face this on her own

"Her Romance"

She held the cold steel in her shaking hands
It was loaded, just needed to be aimed
Should she shoot for the heart or straight for the head?
Sweat rolls off her eyebrow
As she stares down the barrel

She's caught up in a romance that she can't explain
Every kiss brings steel to her lips
With every heart beat
Another bullet in the chamber
This is her escape
She doesn't hide in a jar of unmarked pills
But if she pulls the trigger
There is a possibility she'll never get a second chance

She stands in front of the mirror day after day
Imagining what it would be like
To have a hole in her chest
With its gushing blood ruining her white dress
She wonders if the pain would echo through her body
Or if it would enter her heart
And escape through her mind

She has some illusion that it's glamorous to die
To take her own life when she says goodnight
And as she stands there
With her fingers shaking as she begins to squeeze the trigger
Her life begins to flash before her eyes
The only love she had every received
Was a cool steel trigger

She thinks there is something romantic
In the way she will go out tonight
Her makeup and hair is set just right
She's dressed to kill
Tonight is her fist and last date
She'll pull that trigger tonight
And lay on the floor
Bleeding her romance dry

She'll take one last look at her own reflection
Then go down with the rest
Love was her destroyer
Not the cold steel barrel

Foundation

2005-02-02T23:57:51Z

"Foundation"

I feel as if I'm losing my place
The foundation that is holding me up is crumbling
I can't keep my balance in this state
I'm falling to my knees as I'm looking to the sky

The whole time I'm wondering why
I could have sworn they assured me this foundation was sturdy
That it would never break away
They stand turned away with their backs to the fault

As the earth quakcs I feel it all slipping away
There is no ground beneath my feet
I begin my decent to somewhere in between
A place where I'll never be seen or heard from again

When I do make my final fall
I'll clutch on to anything that's left
To save this forgotten life
And I'll never let go I refuse to forget and be the forgotten
I'll keep on holding on even with this salt thrown in my wounds

Fragmented

2005-01-30T22:06:05Z

"Fragmented"

You've got this all wrong
Ordinarily I'd be the one to crack the joke
Under these circumstances I feel like shit
Right under your nose
I'm falling apart
Didn't you notice when you lifted up your eyes in my direction?
Everyone denied my existence
And I never thought you would be one to share in their game

Of course I need to remember
For everything that comes with a smile
Goes away with a hole in its chest
Let me be the judge for once
And determine who is wrong here
My silence has been a mystery to me for so many years
Only now do I really see the consequence of speaking my mind
Untie the string that holds us all so close
Rip us apart with all our silent contradictions

So let's take one last look at what we have
Insert a greeting or an ending
Crack the codes to all our problems
Kick a hole into our contradictions
Everyone is falling apart, we are losing our beginning
Never again
Shall I just trust so easily
My world has lost its true meaning
End now before it's too late

Knocking on Conflict's Door

2005-01-26T00:47:06Z

Oh man, so here is part 6. I know a some of the dialog is somewhat cheesey, but it works for the moment. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

Knocking on Conflict's Door

The knock at the door got louder and more urgent the second time. Jade slowly moved away from David so not to wake him. He was a very sound sleeper. She kissed him gently on the forehead and then walked to the front door.
She looked out the spy hole on the door, and all she saw was a mass of darkness. Reluctantly she unlatched the lock and slowly opened the door. As she opened the door, a tall, slim figure staggered in. The figure fell to the floor and grunted, then rolled away from the door and stood up.
A surge of fear ran through Jade as she saw the figure’s face, it was Zach. She closed the door and looked at him. He was haggard. Every inch of him reeked of booze and he was nothing but skin and bones. “Zach…” she began but was interrupted by his finger being pressed up to her lips.
He slowly came closer to her and pinned her up to the door. With brute force he kissed her and when he pulled away he said, “Don’t say a word. I know you want this just as bad as I do. We could make everything the way it used to be…before I changed.” He kissed her again, this time with more passion and less force.
Jade began to hit him to try and get him off of her. Instead of him moving away he began to tug at her jeans and pull at her shirt. She began to hit him harder and tried to move away from him. He wouldn’t budge or let her go. She tried screaming but the screams were muffled by his lips.
Panicking, she began to kick the door. She kicked it as hard as she could and then finally Zach was ripped away from her by two hands, and then one of those hands swung back and hit him in the face with a clenched fist.
Zach now lay on the floor holding his bloody nose, trying to figure out what just happened to him. Jade ran to David and threw her arms around his waist. She was very close to tears and there was rage in David’s eyes.
“What are you doing here?” David asked Zach angrily.
Zach stood up still holding his nose. “I came to get the only stable thing left in my life,” he said, then looking directly at Jade he continued, “I’ve decided what I really want in my life and it’s you. Come back to me Jade, we could start all over. Things could be the way the used to be, before I went away.”
Jade wrapped her arms tighter around David. “You can’t just walk in here and expect me to come back to you. You know it wouldn’t work anyway…the alcohol is talking. Just because I’m the only thing that has ever been there for you does not mean you can just change everything and go back to the way things were. The world doesn’t work that way.”
“But I can,” Zach said grabbing her arm. “I can make myself go back to the way things were. I was always happy when I was with you…nothing ever fell apart. You made my life stable.”
“Zach, I just can’t throw everything aside to come back with you. You were the best friend I ever had, and I did really love you, but I could never ever enter a relationship with you again, not when I know that the alcohol is controlling your words not your brain. My heart is somewhere else now.”
Jade was almost in tears. She had always dreamed of him saying this to her. Saying that he still loved her, but she never thought it would happen this way. She still loved him, but she did finally realize that he was into other things and that she would always just be that shoulder to cry on. When he fell into her apartment and began to kiss her, it pulled at her insides and she was in so much pain. His mind was taken over by his depression and over drinking.
Anger came across Zach's face as he looked at David. "You took her away from me! You took the one last thing I had to fall back on! YOU TURND HER AGAINST ME!" He leapt at David and David quickly pushed Jade aside.
Jade stood in horror as the two most important men to her in her life began throwing fists at each other. They threw punch after punch at each other until finally David grabbed Zach's arms and threw him to the floor.
"I never once turned her against you. I told you this once before, you turned her against yourself. You messed with her heart to many times. A girl like her isn't going to stay and wait for something she knows she can't have. Don't fool yourself Zach, you don't even like women. There is no need to fight over Jade. She still loves you, only as a friend, but that is as good as love as any. You need to pull yourself together and take a look at your life. People aren't making your life fall apart, your addiction to alcohol is what is tearing everything you ever knew apart," David said as he wiped the blood from his mouth.
Zach took a look at David and then at Jade. He began to weep as he realized what he had done. He sat on the floor cross-legged, with his hands up to his face, crying. Jade couldn't stand to watch him cry so she knelt down next to him. She softly caressed the top of his head and he took his hands away from his face to look at her. A slight smile came across her face, as to tell him that it was going to be ok.
She opened her arms and he fell into them. "Zach, I want you to tell me what happened."
"Every man I have ever loved has rejected me. They say I am too bitter and unloving to care for them. My band says I am out of control and they are considering kicking me out. Then there is you Jade. Losing contact with you the past month and a half has really killed me. I've had no one to talk to. I never realized how important you are to me."
"Just because I'm important to you doesn't mean that we can go back in time and have what we used to have. What was between us is gone. You can't trick yourself into liking women again…it's not a choice, it's something that just happens. You need to learn how to live with your life. You need to learn a healthy way to cope with your problems, because I'm not always going to be there for you," Jade said looking down at him.
David now sat on the couch watching them. He was tense and ready to defend Jade at a moment's notice. Not for one minute had he ever liked or trusted Zach. He had always hurt Jade not physically, but mentally, and he just couldn't stand that. There was something he never understood, and that was why Jade would always be there to comfort him after he treated her like shit.
"I don't know what to do…," Zach said trailing off into his sobs.
"There is one thing for sure, you need to stop drinking. After tonight I will refuse to talk to you unless you sober up. It hurts me so much to see you slowly destroying yourself. Alcohol isn't as glamorous as some people make it out to be. It changes you, makes you someone you really aren't. So here is the deal, tonight you sleep here on my couch and then tomorrow David and I will take you to a rehab center near by. You need this to help you, and you know that I would only do something that in the long run would you help you."
Zach nodded and Jade stood up. Extended her hand she helped Zach up and walked him over to the couch. David stood up and glared at Zach. "Sleep here for the night ok?" she said Zach. He nodded and lay down. Jade went into her room and pulled out a blanket and placed it over him.
"Goodnight Zach," she said to him. He smiled at her and closed his eyes. Then Jade took David's hand and led him into her bedroom and closed the door.
David sat on the edge of the bed and Jade went into the bathroom and came back out with a wet wash cloth. She gently washed the blood off of his face and hands. She leaned in to give him a kiss but he turned away from her. "What?" she asked confused.
"I don't get you," he said to her sounding irritated.
"What are you talking about?" she asked as she walked into the bathroom.
While she walked back out he replied, "How can you just let him back in here? He was basically trying to rape you and can't you see that he is using you?"
"He would have never been able to rape me…I'm not a guy. I let him back in here because I know when he is like this I am the only damn person who would ever try and help him. He could seriously hurt himself, and I know he is capable of such good things," she responded, almost hurt.
David stood up and stood in front of her. "If he no longer existed this world might be a somewhat better place. He does nothing but cause pain and strife. Can't you see that he is too far away from help? He's a lost case! Can't you fucking see that?" His tone was getting louder.
"The world might be a better place with out him, but the fact is, he is here. Underneath everything that he does he is truly a good guy. He just needs someone to help him along and give him a shove in the right direction. David, I'm the shove he needs. I can't just stand here and watch him slowly kill himself when I know I am capable of helping me and maybe helping him better himself. I can't stand to watch people I care for wither away and lose all touch of reality," Jade said to him with tears swelling up in her eyes. She was trying so hard to get him to understand. Deep down inside she knew that he could be helped.
"You still love him, don't you?" David asked backing up a little from her.
There was silence and then with a voice holding back tears Jade said, "My love died for him a long time ago. I've held on to some of the feelings, I won't deny you that. If you think that he would ever replace you, you're wrong. David…you've given me more than he has ever given me. I constantly feel like I am his mother, and basically that is what I am."
David sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at her. "I just don't understand how you could ever keep something like that in your life. When he knows how you feel about so many things and when he has fucked you over so many times. You're fighting for a lost cause." He had calmed down a bit now and stared down at the floor.
Jade figured there was no sense in arguing anymore and walked to the opposite side of the bed. She lay down on her side facing the window, with her back to David. With her eyes tightly closed she held back tears.
David turned to look back at her. He wanted so much to just lean over and hold her, but he knew that things couldn't be solved so easily. This situation with her and Zach had always bothered him. Every time he turned around he was doing something else to her. Seeing him with his hands all over her tore him up inside. It was as if his worst nightmare had come true. If Jade had left the room, he would have beat him till he lay paralyzed or dead on her floor.
Running his fingers through his hair he tried to get his thoughts straight. He was very irritated with Jade. For some reason he couldn't understand why she would let Zach back into her lifetime after time just to get hurt. The thing about Jade, she was always there for someone even if they treated her like she was worthless. David had to take this into account. She did do anything humanly possible to help anyone who asked for help and it could be interpreted that she figured that Zach getting wasted night after night was a cry for help.
He held his face in his hands now, thinking all of this over. He loved her so much but he hated Zach with a passion. He realized though in that moment that if he loved her he would have to deal with the fact that she had this so-called friend. Looking back over at Jade he made the decision that he would help her with whatever it was that she needed to help Zach with. Plus, if he were in rehab, he wouldn't be here to mess with her when things went wrong for him.
With comfort now rising in his heart he turned and crawled across the bed to where Jade lay. Lying down next to her he kissed her gently on the cheek. Then he placed his arm around her and held her tightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered to her. She nodded and grabbed his hand. Soon they both fell asleep.

♥

No More Lullabies

2005-01-23T03:13:46Z

Part 5. Let me know what you think please.

No More Lullabies

David stood on the balcony of his apartment leaning on the railing. He looked out into the darkened street and watched for any movement in the early hours of the morning. There was no movement, everyone was still asleep. He couldn’t sleep. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t rest his tired eyes. His nerves were shot and he just wished that it all could be over.
For the past month and a half he had gone to a band practice everything other day working on material for the gig they managed to get for that evening. He was surprised that they were all able to play together so well, he had forgotten what their chemistry was like. The new drummer seemed to fit just fine, almost better than Mike had ever fit, and this worried David. Everything felt so right and because it felt so right it felt wrong. How could he be so happy with out Mike?
From what he had gathered, everyone had been working on their own material while they were apart. Everyone had ideas for songs the first day they had gotten together. They played their ideas and everything just seemed to fit so well. For almost two years they were all influenced by the same music and the same strife so everyone had grown from their original roots almost the same amount.
They had ten songs ready, enough for a full set. Jade had pulled some strings at the Four-Sided Octagon and had gotten Steve to let them play as the opening to a very popular band from out of state. As the Somber Lullabies, they had played their first and last show there and now they would start it all over again in the same place. This time they wouldn’t quit, and they would make sure to keep an eye on one another. They would start a new as Return To Sender.
Now David stood staring at the scar on his forearm. He missed Jade. For the past four days he hadn’t gone to work because the band was working non-stop getting their act completely together. He hadn’t been able to see her at home because he came back after she had already gone to bed. They did talk on the phone for a couple hours each day, but that wasn’t enough for him, he wanted to hold her.
Taking one last look at his past he slowly walked back inside and collapsed on his bed. He laid there staring at the white ceiling as the early morning sun began to creep through his window. Taking a breath and closing his eyes he finally began to drop off into a deep sleep. He began to dream and his dream was full of his worst nightmares.

Jade had been walking to work the past couple days because David could not drive her and she didn't like public transportation. This particular late morning was sunny and warm and she took her time as she walked. She took in all her surroundings and how lovely California looked on a nice summer morning. This place was way better than her cold town in Pennsylvania.
When she finally reached work an angry Steve stood behind the counter. "You're late," he screamed at her.
She looked down at her watch and noticed that she was fifteen minutes late. "Calm down Steve, it's only fifteen minutes. I apologize though, I had to walk again," she calmly said and walked behind the counter.
"I would appreciate if you got here on time. With David not here, you're the only other person I can really rely on. You know where everything is and you keep track of what's going on. I've been worried."
"Jeez Steve, calm down. You worry a little too much about how these shows go. If I got my hands on them, they run smoothly. I would never just leave you hanging here with out some type of notice. Now is something wrong?" Jade asked calmly.
Steve walked out from behind the counter. "Nothing is wrong yet, but I have a bad feeling about tonight."
"What do you mean?" Jade asked concerned.
"I have a feeling we are going to lose something…" he trailed off as he walked into the swinging doors and into the dimly lit room that lay ahead.
Jade stood there puzzled but shrugged it off and opened the black book in front of her. She began writing a "to do" list for the crew. There was a lot to do today and she couldn't wait for the show, for it had been awhile since she had seen David.

The day had gone slow but the show was about to begin. Doors had opened and people were flowing steadily in. Jade waited patiently for David to come through the swinging doors to say hello to her, but she had a feeling that he wasn't going to. She suspected that he was a wreck.
She sat there half-conscience of what was going on around her while selling tickets. Everyone was buzzing about the show. Whispering was going on around the lines about the bands that were playing. One girl said to Jade, "Is it true that the Somber Lullabies have gotten back together for a reunion tour?"
Jade just shook her head and replied, "You'll just have to wait and see. I can tell you right now that Somber Lullabies isn't playing here tonight."
The girl just gave Jade an evil look and went inside with her friends to watch the show. Shortly after Jack came through the doors and stood at the counter. "Steve told me to come watch the counter and he wants you to go stand with him at the sound board while Return to Sender is playing." Jade smiled and said her thanks and joined Steve behind the soundboard.
The stage sat in the center of the room and the soundboard sat directly in front of it all the way back. It wasn't that far because the venue wasn't that large, but it was a decent distance. The black and white floor tile on the floor was scuffed and the green paint on the walls was chipping off. A large pillar stood on either side of the stage, in the middle of the floor were the crowd stood. Jade always thought it was almost like a marker for all the fans, if you went between the two pillars be prepared to be pushed around, but if you stayed on one side of them you could watch the show without getting knocked around.
The lights were dimmed and purple lights shown brightly from the stage. The equipment was set up ready to go. Jade looked down at her watch and it was five minutes till show time.

Backstage the members of Return to Sender stood nervously around. It had been awhile since any of them had played in public. Kenny chewed on his guitar pick and looked out the side door and into the crowd. "Looks like there are a lot of people here," he said.
"I heard some of the buzz at the door, a lot of them think Somber Lullabies is coming back for a reunion tour," Rick, their keyboardist, said as he ran his fingers through his shaggy blonde hair. He was tall and fairly skinny. His ears were gauged and his arms were sleeved with tattoos. Rick used to play guitar for the band, but had given it up when the band broke up. He wanted to start with something new.
Everyone laughed at his comment except for David who stood at one far corner of the room looking into a mirror. With a steady hand he was putting on eyeliner. He had already put a tiny bit of red eye shadow around his eyes. They all looked at him to see his reaction to the comment but he didn't move at all.
When he finished he turned to them and said, "Guys, just remember, no matter what the crowd says, we are no longer who we used to be. We are something completely new and they shouldn't expect us to be the same old group of punks we used to be. We are emo kids now, our hearts have been broken and yeah, we might not agree with authority, but we no longer want to bring them down as hard as before. I believe we do wear our scars with pride, so when we get out there, lets show them who we really are."
The four guys looked at him strangely. David never usually spoke so confidently before a show. He would always stay very silent as if he would break at any moment into a nervous wreck. "Let's do this for Mike. Let's let him know that he is still here in our hearts," he said and then went and sat on a wooden chair in the corner of the room. He folded his hands and stared at the floor.
David was trying very hard to keep his cool. He had only gotten about five hours of sleep and every moment after that he was busy going over lyrics and setting things up. It was weird being behind stage as a performer and not a stagehand. Everything felt weird, but at the same time like he should have been there all along.
He was bothered by the fact that he was doing this with out Mike, but that was starting to fade into the back of his head. After a while he figured the dead could not hold grudges against the living for just simply wanting to live out their dreams. Now he was just worried about seeing Jade. All he ever wanted to do was impress her, and he knew this would be the perfect time to do so. He knew that she already loved him for who he was, but he wanted to let her know that he would make something of himself weather she cared or not. He just wanted to make sure that no matter what he did, she would always be there and support him.
David looked up and observed his bands mates. Kenny was still chewing on his guitar pick and staring out the door. Rick was standing near by looking out the door as well and he would mention something to Kenny only to get shut down by his silence. Eric, the bassist, sat on a couch next to Jay, the drummer. They were both deep into a conversation about a local show that they had been too a couple weeks ago and how they wanted to mimic parts of that band's performing style.
Eric didn't seem to fit in with the emo crowd, for he kept to his punk roots, at least dress wise. He always wore a jean vest with patches and pins all over it. It was called his lucky jacket, and it was indeed lucky for him. Anything that ever happened to him that was good, he was wearing that jacket.
Jay was a good friend of Eric. They had met at a local show over a year ago and were almost inseparable. If you put the two side by side and just looked at them, they were almost the complete opposites of each other. If you put their minds together, they were almost identical.
David watched them and realized that everything seemed to fit right. This is where he should be and he knew things were going to go just fine. If he made it through this performance then it would be a sure thing that this was the right decision to make.
A red light went on above the door and everyone came to attention. "You ready guys?" Kenny asked taking the guitar pick out of his mouth.
They all came together at the door and one by one they went out the door. Walking slowly but honorably they came up to the side of the stage and walked up the steps. They got into their positions and David realized that the room was completely dark.

Jade's hands were folded and up to her face as she waited for the show to start. The lights were out but she knew David was now standing on that stage. She was worried for him and the rest of the band. Jade had a strange habit to worry excessively for herself and other people. Her stomach was in knots and all she wanted was for the show to start.
As she wrung her hands together the keyboards began to play a somber melody. Then a purple spotlight was turned on and pointed at David. Jade's heart skipped a beat as she saw his face for the first time in five days. She stared at him and as she stared she realized that he was staring right at her. Their eyes met and she felt content.
With both hands clutched around the microphone stand he began to whisper, "There are no more lullabies…there are no more lullabies…there are no more…" and with one short pause he screamed as the lights came on, "Lullabies!" The music went into a heavy yet morose tune and the crowd began to move. David took the microphone from its stand and began to jump around with it. The words he sang came through with so much passion and beauty.
As the show went on the crowd got more into it. Jade had never seen a crowd respond so well to a new band before. They had the right sound and emotion that the crowd craved. Not once did they scream anything about the Somber Lullabies and if anything, the show took their mind off of anything they thought before hand.
With a smile on her face, Jade turned to see Steve's expression. Her smile faded as she saw a frown on his face. "Steve, what's wrong?"
He glanced at her quickly and then back at the stage. "I was right, this is going to be the end."
"What are you talking about," Jade asked puzzled.
"It's time for a passing, and there is no one to pass too."
"What?"
Steve looked at her without emotion. "Jade, it's time for me to move on in my life. I'm selling the venue."
Jade was speechless. She couldn't believe the words that came from Steve. How could he even think of selling the place? Business was great, the best that it had been for a very long time (according to the books that Jade found one day while searching for some files). She couldn't understand why he would want to throw such a good thing away.
"You can't just sell it," she said to him finally.
"But I can, and I am going to. I can't take this anymore Jade, the stress isn't good for me. I know it might be stupid for me to throw this all away, after all the connections I have made, but it's time for me to let go and move on."
Jade looked away and back up to the stage. David had the microphone back in the stand and he was contently staring at her. She smiled slightly at him and then Steve touched her shoulder. "I was going to sell it to David. It was mentioned a few times before and I knew he would keep this place the same way I intended it to be kept. But now that he is in a band again, my plans are ruined, and the person I sell it to will probably destroy the integrity of the place."
Jade didn't say a word but continued to watch the stage. "He has always been very passionate about music. He belongs on that stage rather then behind it or running the building around it. I knew I should have come up with a better plan, but I never knew he would finally face his fears and continue with his dream."
Jade turned to Steve and looked him straight in the eye. "I could buy this place from you."
"What?" Steve asked almost laughing.
"You know I could run this place, I almost do. I keep everyone in line and I make sure everything is running smoothly. You pretty much said it yourself that I am the only other person besides David that you could rely on. I know a couple people that could help me too," Jade said with seriousness in her voice.
"You want to buy this place?" he asked.
"If you want this place to keep its integrity you will let me buy it. I may not be David, but I have the same views he has on this subject."
Steve looked at her and smiled. Then he turned to the stage and patted Jade on the shoulder. "We will see," he said with a smirk.
As they finished their conversation David dropped the microphone on the stage and the lights dimmed. The crowd applauded and Jade walked away from the soundboard and towards the doors to the back stage area. She now needed more than anything to see David.

After the show David and Jade went back to her apartment. They were lying in her bed, and David had his arms around her. Both of them felt very secure for the first time in a week.
"I missed you so much," he said to her as he kissed her forehead.
"I missed you as well. I was getting worried about you," she replied looking at him.
"Jade, I told you not to worry about me. I made the decision to go with this, and I made the right one. You need to stop worrying so much."
She lay her head down on his chest and listened to his heartbeat for a moment and then said, "You did really well this evening. The crowd loved you."
"Thank you. I was amazed at their reaction. I never expected it to go this well."
"What plans to you guys have now?"
"We think we are going to play a few more shows around here and record a little demo CD. Then we might do a mini tour up and down the West Coast."
Jade smiled. "That sounds really good, but I'll miss the hell out of you while your gone."
David ran his fingers through her hair and replied, "I would take you with me. I don't think I could survive the whole time with out seeing you."
"I'm probably going to have to stay here though," she said quietly.
"Why is that?" he asked.
She looked up at him and said, "Steve is planning on selling the venue and since you have this band to worry about, I think I will buy it from him. I couldn't just leave the place if that is the case."
They both became silent for a moment. David was thinking and Jade could tell because he had stopped running his fingers through her hair. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.
"Oh nothing really. Let's not worry about this now. Let's just lay here in each other's arms and not think about anything but each other."
Jade lifted up her head and kissed him on the lips and then lay her head back down on his chest. They laid there in silence. Jade listened as David's heartbeat grew slightly slower and realized he had fallen asleep. Just as she was about to drift off herself, there was a knock at the door.

♥

Are You Listening?

2005-01-21T05:45:03Z

"Are You Listening?"

Do you hear me?
I said, are you fucking listening?
I've got so many things on my mind
And a limited vocabulary to express myself with
And when I finally put these words together
You're too far away to show that you care
Your ears are plugged with silence

I have to write down almost everything
That I've tried to say
I've had to twist the words
To try and make you understand
But I don't think you ever read
Your eyes are just as closed
As your delicate ears

If I stood here with a noose around my neck
And a knife to my wrists
Would you finally lift up your head?
Do I have to break apart to get you to see
That I've got things to share
Some well thought out phrases
Formed into some type of statement
Or would I have to sing my own requiem
To finally get your attention?

No, don't change the subject
I've got a few more things to say on this matter
I said, NO!
Don't change the fucking subject!
I've got a few more things to say on this matter
You're doing it again
You're forgetting about what I said
You make me feel so small when you do this
I've had plenty of time to think
And now I need to get all of this out
Just let me say what I need to get off my chest
It's your turn to listen
And my turn to share

Did you hear me?
Are you listening?
Did you read what I wrote?
Are you going to comment?
Please just say something
Just say something
Make me believe that you were listening
Make me think that you cared
Are you listening?

What's Her Life For

2005-01-19T02:48:18Z

"What's Her Life For"

There is something missing
A void inside these walls
She walks the lonely streets of her own mind
Wondering exactly what life is for
She sees the smiling faces as she passes
They are dancing and swaying
To an unheard melody
She presses her face to the store windows
She wants to buy that life
She wants to have their fun
And not worry about the consequences

As she walks she stops in front of a TV screen
Sees herself in another world
She puts her hand to the screen
To try and feel what it might be like
To live that other life
To not care or worry
To just follow the crowd
Become mindless and numb
She just wants to have their fun
And not fell left out or ashamed

She stops her treading and falls to the ground
Now deep into darkness, somewhere in between
She ponders her existence and what her life really means
Would it be worth it to throw these things aside
Just for one night to fell like she's having a good time
Her mind it wonders and exaggerates
Through a library of emotions
She's lost and confused
And just wants to end it with just one slice
To close her eyes and submerge into never ending darkness
But that one hand always reaches out
And steals her away from being stuck in between
Then she slowly remembers what her life is really for

Resurrecting Bruises

2005-01-16T23:55:11Z

So, here is part four. I hope you enjoy it. Please, let me know what you think.

Resurrecting Bruises

Sitting at the front counter Jade fiddled with the new walkie-talkie she was given by the manager. Steve had purchased a handful of them so the employees could communicate more efficiently during shows and so no one really had to leave the room they were in. Jade thought this made it more convenient than having to leave the room since she was the only one at the front counter. Also she thought it was more efficient then just pressing the button on the wall.
David had come up with the idea that they would give each other nicknames when calling for someone on the walkie-talkie. Each name corresponded with their particular job. Everyone thought it was a great idea and they went to work quickly picking out names. Steve yelled at them to get back to work right as they finished, giving him the name slave driver.
As Jade put down the walkie-talkie to finish writing down the list of names, a young man walked in the front door. He was of average build and height, his short black hair was in tiny spikes, his septum was pierced, and his ears were gauged to what looked like zeros. Jade looked him over noticing that his pants were very tight, assuming they were girl’s jeans, and his shirt was a tight blue button up shirt. He had the essence of a poor emo kid.
“Can I help you?” Jade asked putting down her pencil and smiling at him.
The man didn’t smile back but he walked up to the counter and put his hands palm down. “Is David here?”
Jade nodded and said, “Just a sec,” then she picked up the walkie-talkie and said, “Stage Hand, your wanted at the front.”
She placed the walkie-talkie back down on the desk and went back to her list. Shortly after David walked in and when he saw the man a huge smiled crept across his face. “Kenny! Hey man! It’s been such a long time!”
He walked over to him and embraced him. Kenny smiled slightly and said, “It has been a long time, it’s good to see you.”
“So what’s up?” David asked with the smile still on his face. He folded his arms across his chest and looked at Kenny contently.
“Well, I came here to talk to you about something. We left a few things unresolved and I want to know where everything stands. I tried calling you but all I ever got was your answering machine and you never called back. I have a proposition for you,” Kenny replied as his eyes brightened.
The smile fell from David’s face and he looked at Jade quickly and then back at Kenny. He put his hand out on Kenny’s shoulder and said, “We should probably go somewhere else to talk about this. How about over some coffee?”
Kenny nodded and David turned to Jade. “I’m taking a quick break. I should be back soon, if Steve is looking for me, tell him I went to get some electrical tape.”
Jade looked at David slightly puzzled, but nodded. He smiled at her and leaned over the desk and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Then him and Kenny walked out of the building and relocated themselves at the coffee shop down the street.

The coffee shop was small and it reeked of the Indie scene. Records from various independent label bands were hung on the walls and some tune was playing from a local Indie band. It was very dimly lit and that didn't help the fact that there was poor light to begin with because of the walls being painted a dark shade of green.
At the small wooden tables sat emo boys with their notebooks writing away about heartbreak. Indie boys sat together talking about the new bands they had just discovered. The only female in the whole place was the young woman behind the counter serving coffee.
David crumpled a napkin in his hand and tried not to crush the paper coffee cup in his other hand. His eyes were on the wooden table in front of him and not at Kenny. He couldn’t stand looking at him at the moment. “But how could we just start again? Things are different now. We lost the backbone of who we were Kenny, we just can’t replace it and keep on going like nothing ever happened.”
“I’m not saying we pick up from where we left off like nothing ever happened. We just get the other guys together and find a drummer. Let’s start completely over. We’ve matured anyway, our music would be different. Look at us David, we are obviously more influenced now by our emotions than our teenage anger against authority. I’m sure Mike would have liked it this way,” Kenny said clutching his coffee in both hands and looking at David intently.
"I don't know if I could do it. Picking up a microphone again after everything falling apart like it did. I've lost a part of me Kenny…it died with Mike."
"Listen, you need to get over this. I know Mike was your best friend since you were five and he was unjustly torn out of your life by alcohol abuse, but he died almost two years ago, it's time to move on. Believe it or not Mike would want you to continue with your dream with out him. He always wanted you to be happy."
David looked up with sparkles in the corners of his eyes. "Mike might want me to continue with my dream, but moving on with out him would feel so weird. Somber Lullabies was our baby, we created it together, and to continue on with all the old guys plus a new drummer would feel weird."
Kenny brought his hands to his lap and fiddled with the bottom hem of his shirt. "We wouldn't keep the same name and like I mentioned before the style would different. Don't think just because we all want to start again means we forgot about Mike and everything he had ever done for us. I know you have been writing Dave, that you have notebook filled with so much pain and anger. It's time to open that notebook and share every word with the world. You have to want to finally share with everyone how you have been feeling over the past years. Everyone is eager to know."
David looked back down at the table and said nothing. "You dropped everything when Mike died. We lost touch. No one knew if you were all right or how you were feeling. So what do you say? Are you in?" Kenny asked with a hopeful tone.
With out a word David stood up and pushed in the chair. With one long, last look at Kenny he said, "I'll think about it," then walked out of the dimly lit coffee shop.

It was one of the most crowded nights at the Four Sided Octagon in a while, and Jade was busy ripping and selling tickets. A well-known band from the East Coast were playing and the show was almost completely sold out.
"Slave Driver to Box Office. Slave Driver to Box Office," a voice said from the walkie-talkie at Jade's hip.
She picked it up and replied, "Box Office."
"Have you seen Stage Hand? He's no where to be found and we need him to help with the sound bored."
Jade thought for a moment and said, "I haven't seen him since about three o'clock. He went out on a break and I didn't see him come back in."
"Great, do you have any idea where he might be? This isn't like him at all," Steve's voice became very grave and almost concerned.
"The only place I could think that he would be would be his apartment."
"I tried there, but the phone is off the hook."
Panic began to rise in Jade. "He has to be at his apartment. The phone would never be off the hook unless he doesn't want to be bothered." There was silence for a moment and then she said, "Slave Driver, I'm going to get Stage Hand. Speaker Box, I need you to come out here and cover for me."

Jade ran all the way back to her apartment building, which was a very long run for her but she had no other choice. Once she reached the apartment building she fumbled with the keys until she found the right one for the front entrance and then ran up the stairs to David's floor. She stopped at the top of the steps to catch her breath and then calmly walked down the hall to his door.
When she got to the door she could hear Bright Eyes being played somewhere inside. She put her hand to the door to knock but as she went to hit it, it slowly opened. With caution she walked inside the dimly lit apartment. There were no lights on in the living room but light flowed onto the floor in front of the bedroom where all the lights were on.
Jade slowly made her way to the bedroom door and didn't see David anywhere inside. She stopped and listened to Bright Eyes for a moment and noticed there was a very soft sobbing in the background that didn't go with the music. "David?" she called as she walked closer to the bathroom door. She poked her head in slowly and saw David lying on the floor, clutching his forearm, and sobbing.
"David," she said as she walked in and knelt down beside him, "David, what's wrong?"
He looked up and when he saw her he sat up and threw his arms around her and buried his head in her chest.
"David, your bleeding," she with horror. "What happened? David! Please, tell me what happened!"
She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead trying to calm him down. Jade rocked him back and forth as she looked around the room. She noticed sitting on the edge of the sink was a kitchen knife and fear twisted with concern ran through her. As she continued to hold him, she held back tears.
"I did something wrong," he said. "I did something I shouldn't have, but the pain was just to much, I needed a way to get rid of it."
"What pain?" she asked trying not to cry along with him.
"The pain of losing everything that had ever meant something to you. The pain that you are doing something wrong because you are alive and they aren't." He sat up now and wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand. The palm of that hand was full of blood.
David looked to the floor with his bloodshot eyes as Jade stood up. She went to the sink and got a wet wash cloth and sat down in front of David. Gently she began to wipe the blood off from his arm and hand. "Who did you lose?" she asked quietly.
"Mike, my best friend since I was little kid. He got into drinking a little to early in his life. Every chance he got he would drink anything he could get his hands on. One night after a show we all went back to this girl's house and everyone was getting completely trashed. Mike always thought he was invincible when he drank and that night he thought it would be fun to run headfirst into traffic to show off. If I would have just stayed at that party an hour longer I would have been able to stop him, but no, I went home."
Jade got up and went to the sink and washed out the washcloth and then went through David's medicine cabinet until she found gauze bandages. She then went back to David and began to wrap up his arm as he continued.
"He would have died two years ago this Friday. I almost forgot about it until Kenny showed up to visit me. He wants to get our band together, the one that Mike and I worked so hard to put together. Somber Lullabies just wouldn't be the same with out him. I don't know if I could do it."
Jade looked at him when she heard the name Somber Lullabies. He was the face that she saw in the picture that looked familiar to her. Him never mentioning it before began to make sense now.
"I kept the band a secret to anyone who didn't know me then. I didn't want to deal with questions and reliving all the painful memories. Mike and I had a dream that together we would conquer the underground music scene and make something of ourselves through our band. When he died, all my dreams were shattered and trying to pursue them seemed wrong."
"But what if pursing them isn't wrong? What if getting back together with the guys helps you get through this?" Jade asked as she wrapped her arms around his side.
David looked at her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "What I'm afraid of is that I will get over this and live life like nothing ever happened. I don't want to ever forget Mike, he influence me in so many ways."
"If he influenced you in so many ways then you will never forget him. I bet everything you would ever write lyrically would be about him. I've seen you late at night sometimes writing away in a notebook that you hide, I know its probably full of songs."
"You're right about that. Kenny brought up the same thing. I just don't know what to do."
Jade kissed him on the cheek. "You should go for it. You wont know what the outcome is until you try and no matter what I will always be here for you, so if something goes wrong you'll have someone to turn to."
"You are right. Maybe I should go for it. I just can't believe that I did this to myself. I haven't cut for a year and a half. I never want to go down that road every again."
Jade leaned closer and kissed him on the lips gently and then got up. "I need to head back to work. We are really busy and Steve needs your help. Are you ready to go back or should I tell him your became really ill?"
David stood up. "I'm coming." Then he took her hand and they walked out.

That night David sat next to the phone with his black notebook on his lap. There was a broken heart pictured on the front of it and words spilled out from the cracks of the heart and covered the front in bloody phrases. He opened it up and fingered the pages and read the tittles and various lines. Slowly he was reminded of all his strife and regrets.
He bit on the side of his lip and tried to remember what it felt like to be pierced. One of the things he regretted was taking out that ring and letting the hole close up. He figured though that it would change his appearance enough so that people didn't ask him about the band that had fallen apart.
Taking a deep breath he put his hand down on the phone and lifted it up. He slowly began to dial a number as all these thoughts ran through his head. As the phone rang on the other line he began to change his mind and almost hung up the phone until a voice picked up and said, "Hello?"
"Uh, Kenny? Hey it's David…yeah I did come to my decision…yes I really did think it over and I'm in. When's practice?"
When he got off the phone he went into his bedroom and pulled out his lip ring that he had hidden away in a chest of drawers. Then he went into the bathroom and took a needle to his lip and re-pierced it. He looked at himself and for the first time that day he felt good about himself.

♥

What Happened

2005-01-11T20:21:24Z

"What Happened?"

Vision blurs when your stare to long
And your eyes begin to cross
Can't see a thing besides faded outlines
And a mass of forgotten shapes
It makes you feel alone
Like a reject in this world with no place to go
You label yourself worthless
With the scars you carry on your arms
And nothing ever goes right and you just don't understand

Your head is full of mixed emotions
A grab bag of sorts
They reach their hand in and what they get back is a surprise
Your explode with out a notice
And you're just to far behind the times
Go back a hundred years and find out who you really are
And you must learn to hold your tongue

Something has died inside your cracked heart
It's so cold and bitter
You could use it as a paper weight
What happened to the times you had a smile on your face
And every was great?
What happened to the times you almost knew who you were
And every aspect of your life was planed out and you didn't give it a second look?
What happened to the times when life meant more than anything
And you knew you were going to live out every single dream you ever had?

Forget all your past mistakes and memories
And wake yourself up
It's not the end...
It's not the end of everything you knew
Everything you loved
Everything you looked forward too
It's not the end of your life as you know it
It's not the end...
It's not the end...
They told me this wasn't the end

Wrote this in QRT today...it's probably not about who you think its about. Unless you are a smart cookie and figured out some of the parts...but I doubt you will unless your Graeme.

♥

Misconceptions

2005-01-10T00:21:22Z

"Misconceptions"

Let's keep our secrets
And talk behind each other's backs
Let's plan our parties
And get smashed
In the end we all had fun
No one got hurt, nothing was wrong
Right?

Wrong answer to an obvious question
You've taken this test before and passed
Now you've changed and every answer you mark
Is almost as wrong as your actions
But I'll hold my tongue this time
Cause we're all hypocrites till dawn

Let's forgot who we are
And toss all our morals away
Let's turn out backs on what we believed
And take back all our promises to ourselves
In the end it was all worth it
We didn't make a mockery of what we were
Right?

You did leave your mark
I almost thought I had someone to talk to
But I've got nothing else to say
I don't want my thoughts spilling out
Of my open mouth
But we can just forget this
Cause I'm old fashioned and bitter

Let's all go out and slit our throats
And make it the new fashion
Let's write our own obituaries
And laugh as they carry us in our caskets
Cause in the end it's all about dying
But you know we lived it up
Right?

I'll just say goodbye to everything I thought
We're all misguided in the end anyway
I'll leave my knives with you
And you can do what you please
Take a stab if you want
My back is turned now
It hurts less when I can't see your face

A small note: This isn't about anyone in particular, so please, no one get upset over it. If it does hurt anyone I apologize in advance because that's not its purpose.

A Broken Promise, A Shattered Vase

2005-01-01T06:02:21Z

Finally, part three of the short story series. Please let me know what you think...I've been lacking in creativity lately.

A Broken Promise, A Shattered Vase

Jade slowly opened the door to her apartment that night expecting to see an empty room with maybe Zach watching TV or even more possibly, sleeping. When she had stepped inside she did not expect to see what she saw. There were people everywhere. Some were lying on the floor, others standing in corners or sitting in chairs. The one thing she saw that she did not expect at all was Zach sitting on her couch lip-locked with some man she had never seen before.
The man’s hands were placed on the sides of Zach’s head keeping him in the embrace. One of Zach’s hands was squeezing the man’s thigh and his other hand was running itself up and down the rest of the man’s body. They were in their own world that was full of drunken passion.
Jade stood in front of the door, exhausted, holding her head. She couldn’t believe this; Zach promised her that no one would be here when she got home. As she stood looking at everyone she realized they were looking at her back except for Zach and his new found partner and the passed out guests on the floor. A rage was rising inside her along with great disappointment.
“Hey baby, just don’t stand there, grab yourself a drink and come party,” a man said walking up to her. He was young, drunk, and dressed like a punk. Jade began to feel uncomfortable.
She took one last look at the room before her and quickly turned to the door. She opened it and slammed it shut as she left. Then she stood there looking down the empty hall of her apartment building. The wooden floors seemed like they were just polished and the walls looked to white. The black numbers on the doors stood out like a nasty sore.
Jade knew she couldn’t go back into her own apartment till everyone was gone. She didn’t really have anywhere to go. Then she remembered David lived a floor below her. She began walking for the steps hoping that he would let her spend the night.

David was surprised to see her standing there when he opened his door. “Jade, this is a surprise,” he said to her almost shocked.
“David, I’m sorry to bug you, but I was wondering if I could spend the night here. Zach is upstairs with a whole bunch of people and they are completely drunk and I can’t stand it,” she said with pleading eyes.
“Of course,” he said moving away from the door to let her in, “my home is yours any time you need it to be.”
He shut the door after Jade walked in and stood behind her as she looked around at his apartment. She had never been in his apartment before, it was new to her. The floor was wood and the rooms were in the same place as they were in her apartment, but furnished differently. He had a black leather couch in front of a wooden coffee table. It was almost an empty space and it smelled of freshly popped popcorn.
On the wall behind the couch was a painting of Jesus Christ up on the cross. It was not the usual depiction of the crucifixion, it was modernized. Jesus was an emo musician. There was a microphone hanging around his neck. The cross was not made of wood, but of speakers and the cross was not on a hill but on a stage. There was a crowd in front of him with their arms raised in the air. Jade stared at it with great curiosity.
"My friend painted that for me. I love the way he modernized it. You still get the idea of what happened to Christ, but on a level that relates to you more," David said to her.
Jade looked back at him and then back at the painting. "It is beautiful."
David walked in front of her and over to the kitchen doorway. "Would you like something to drink?" he asked.
"No thanks. I'm fine," she said with a smile.
He nodded and disappeared into the kitchen. When he reemerged he was holding a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a glass of water in the other. "I was about the watch a movie before you came so you could join me, but if you are to tired you can sleep out here on the couch."
"What movie?" Jade asked.
"28 Days Later."
"Alright. I think I will join you. I love that movie."
David smiled. "The TV is in my room, so follow me."
Jade followed him into his bedroom. It was very clean with a bed in the center with its headboard to the back wall. The TV was against the opposite wall. He sat down on the bed and put the popcorn and his drink on the night table next to the bed. Then he patted the side of the bed next to him and said, "Sit here, it will be a lot more comfortable than sitting on the floor. Trust me, that floor hurts after like an hour."
Jade slowly walked to the other side of the bed and sat down. As she got herself situated she noticed that his bed was very comfortable and a slight smile came across her face. She hadn't felt such comfort in a while.
David looked at her and smiled then leaned back against the headboard, pressed play on the DVD player remote, and then turn out the lights. They watched the movie in silence for awhile until David said, "What were you looking at today on the wall?"
"Just one of the posters hanging on the wall. One of the guys in the band looked really familiar," she replied.
"Oh, what band?"
"I believe they were called Somber Lullabies. Why?"
David got really quiet and didn't answer her question. "Why did you ask Davey?" she asked again after a moment.
"Oh…um…no reason. I just never saw you so intrigued by one of those posters before."
“I look at those posters all the time. It gets sort of boring sitting in there all day. I just never noticed that one before. It just caught my eye.”
David looked at her, moved a little closer, and said, “Jade, I can’t stand to see you such a wreck these past couple days. Why do you let Zach into your life just so he can make you miserable? It never fails, every time you see him after a long period of time you go into this constant state of almost depression. I can’t take it.”
Jade looked at him then looked back at the TV. “I just can’t push him out of my life. I spent almost every waking moment with him for three straight years, you just can’t totally forget someone like that.”
“But you came out here to forget him,” David began but was interrupted by Jade.
“I might have, but I also just needed to get out of that cold town. There was nothing for me there.”
“Is there anything for you here?”
There was silence. The two of them just looked at each other as the movie went on before them. David began to regret his question, but he knew the perfect answer for her. He kept his mouth shut though and waited for her answer.
“A new beginning, a chance to start over and prove to everyone from my past that my dreams weren’t just dreams but a reality waiting to happen.”
David sighed. “Then you don’t regret leaving all of that behind?”
“Of course not, if I wouldn’t have left there I would have never met you. You’re the best friend I never really had.”
David smiled and then they both went back to watching the movie. Soon then both drifted off to sleep.

The next morning Jade woke up feeling very comfortable and warm. She didn’t want to move but knew she would have to go to work soon. Opening her eyes fully she realized David's arm was around her and she was nestled between his arm and body. Her head lay slightly on his chest. One of her hands was resting on his chest and his other hand was holding it slightly.
Confusion ran through her as she took it in. She didn't know how they got so close in their sleep. She felt that she should be offended or feel violated, but she didn't, instead she felt complete comfort and almost full happiness inside.
Jade rose her head slightly and looked at David as he slept. He looked so beautiful and content. As she stared at his facial features she noticed a small mark below the right side of his lower lip. It looked to either be a small opening or a scar. She never noticed this before and it bothered her that she couldn't figure out where it came from.
Tearing her thoughts away from David's lip she glanced at the clock. The two of them had to be at work in an hour and twenty minutes. She slowly began to work her way out from beside David so as not to wake him. Before she got off the bed she leaned over and kissed his forehead gently. He didn't stir at all from his sleep. Jade took one last look and left.
When she got back up to the apartment Jade walked into a messy living room. Everyone was gone, but the mess still lingered. The smell of liquor and smoke still hung in the air. Jade was disgusted. She walked into the bedroom to gather the things to get herself ready and was surprised to see Zach in bed with the man he was kissing the night before.
She looked around the room and saw their clothes strewn across the room. Looking back at them she realized they were naked under the sheets. She was filled with disgust and covered her mouth to keep herself from screaming.
This was the last straw. Anger rose up inside of her but she kept her composer and went into the bathroom and locked herself inside. She got ready for work and as she put on her make up she stared at herself in the mirror. Raising her hand she touched the reflection of herself. "What are you going to do now? He messed with your trust yet again. He is walking all over you as he did many times before."
Walking away from the mirror she sat down on the edge of the bathtub not too far away. She grabbed her bag and took out a notebook and began to write a note to Zach. It expressed her anger and disappointment in him. When she was finished she walked out of the bathroom and placed the note in the mirror above her dresser.
She took one last look at her trashed apartment as she opened the front door. Before she left she picked up a vase that was sitting by the door and threw it at the doorway to the bedroom. It made a loud crashing noise as it hit the wall and Zach jerked up from his sleep. Jade slammed the door and walked back down to David's apartment and stood outside and waited for him to take her to work.

The sound of ceramic shattering into millions of pieces woke Zach up from his deep pleasurable sleep. Greg, the man who he went to bed with, woke up as well. "What was that?" he asked.
"I don't know," Zach replied getting up. He walked to the doorway and saw the vase shattered. "Looks like this vase here broke. I don't know how though." Walking back into the room he noticed the note in the mirror and took it down. He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at it. Greg came up beside him and rested his head on Zach's shoulder.
"What's that?" he asked.
"I'm not sure. I suppose a note from my room mate."
He slowly unfolded the piece of paper. It read:
Dear Zach,

I'm sick of all these broken promises and being walked all over. I want to see my apartment clean and you out by the time I come home from work. You've led me on for way to long. Friends don't fuck with each other, they help each other. I've helped you so much and I only ask for a few things in return and you can't even respect that.
Please, just clean up and get out. Give me time to think and maybe I'll change my mind.

Truly yours,
Jade

Zach crumpled up the note and threw it to the floor. "What's wrong hunny?" Greg asked.
"Nothing, everything is fine. I think you should leave though, I'll call you later ok?"
Greg nodded and gathered his things and got dressed. He walked back over to Zach and kissed him gently on the lips and left the apartment. Zach walked out into the living room and looked around. Regret began to rise up inside of him and tears swelled up in his eyes. He couldn't believe his own actions.

Jade sat at the counter at the Four-Sided Octagon selling tickets to anyone who walked in. The show for the evening was already started and as she sat there less people came in. Tonight was a packed show and most people bought their tickets in advanced. Jade sat there trying to hear the music, but all she could really hear was a nice solid bass line.
She rested her head in her hands and leaned on the counter. Her eyes were fixed on the pages of the schedule book in front of her. "One down, three more bands to go," she thought to herself. She wanted just to go home. The whole day she was very quiet and David kept on asking her what was wrong. Every time he asked she said nothing at all was wrong. All her feelings inside though were twisted with confusion. So much hate and love floated around in her mind and she didn't know where she should dispatch it.
As she thought the door opened and Jade looked up. To her disappointment it was Zach. He walked over to the counter and Jade sat up and placed her hands on top of the book. Zach reached for her hand and said, "Jade, we need to talk."
She pulled her hand away and placed it on her lap. "Now is not the time. I'm working."
"But Jade, we really need to talk. You kicked me out when I have no where to go. Please, just let me explain," he said to her pleading.
Jade sighed and pushed a button on the wall. A few seconds later a tall man around her age, with long shaggy hair walked into the room. "Jack, I need you to take over for me for a couple minutes." He nodded and went behind the counter as Jade walked out from behind it. "Thanks."
She took Zach's hand and pulled him outside, where there was a slight drizzle and it was almost completely dark. "Well?" she asked.
"Jade, I would like to start out with saying how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you and you know that. I made a mistake last night, and I apologize greatly for it," Zach said taking her hand.
Jade pulled away. "You don't get it! You promised it was just going to be a few people and that they would all be gone by the time I came home. Well, I came home and there were at least twenty people there all drunk or high. My apartment was trashed and you were sitting there in your own little world of bliss with your new boyfriend or whatever. All I wanted to do last night was to come home to a quiet apartment and go to sleep. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and rest these oh so tired eyes. But no, I couldn't. I had to go somewhere else and sleep. Then I come home to get ready for work, thinking that maybe everyone would be gone and the place would be somewhat decent, but was I wrong! There in my bed was not only you but also that man or yours! What were you thinking?" She was screaming at him, with her arms moving about rapidly. Anger was all over her face.
"I admit, I made a mistake. I got a little to drunk and I couldn't control my actions. After awhile people just began to show up, I didn't know who half those people were. I'm sorry Jade. I didn't mean for Greg to be in bed with me when you came home," Zach said with tears in his eyes.
"Did you guys have sex?" she asked completely angered.
"What?" he asked confused at the timing of the question.
"Did you two have sex?"
"I…um…I don't really know. I was really drunk. Anything could have happened really."
Jade turned away and clenched her fists. She turned back and said, "You did. You had sex with that guy you hardly even know in my bed! How could you? Especially when you know that I still have feelings for you? I don't understand you at all. Do you not have any consideration for anyone besides yourself?"
He didn't say anything and the rain began to pour harder from the sky. "Sex in my bed…I don't believe you. You probably didn't even love him! How can you just go off get drunk and demoralize yourself like that? Oh yeah, that’s right, you never had any morals! You've always been a self centered ass hole constantly worrying about how you looked to everyone else!"
Zach didn't say a word but with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat he raised his hand and slapped Jade in the face. Jade put her hand up to her face and she stared at him.
"Here I am telling you I'm sorry and you are flipping out on me. You're such a fucking bitch! Can't you just accept my apology and take the fact that I made a mistake? People make mistakes all the time."
"Zach, I have always been there for you. How can you call me a bitch? How can you slap me? I always did whatever I could to make you happy even if it cost me my happiness. I could have let you kill yourself the other night, but I didn't. You used to be there for me too, but as of lately, it seems that you are only using me. So you know what, fuck you. FUCK YOU ZACHARY! FUCK YOU!"
Not knowing what else to say he slapped her again harder, but this time David came walking up. He had seen the whole thing from a little ways down the street. He had been helping one of the bands take in their equipment, for they were running late and they were on very soon. Running up he grabbed Jade and she fell into his arms willingly and began to cry.
"Zach, get out of here. I don't care who you are or what kind of history you have with her, you can't slap her. What kind of friend are you? She says she wants you out, so gather your things and go. Don't come here either and harass her at work. Unlike you, she has a real job that pays regularly."
"I bet she came to you last night," Zach said staring at him with anger in his eyes.
"So what if she did? She wouldn't have if it weren't for your antics."
Stepping closer Zach said, "You've turned her against me!"
Moving Jade from his arms and stepping in front of her he argued, "I haven't done such a thing. I've been there for her when you have done your worst. If anyone here turned anyone against anyone, it was you. You turned her against you."
Zach stared at David. He shook his head, "Fine, you two have fun together. Those who run from their pasts should stick together! Goodbye Jade, I'm gone!"
David stood and watched Zach as he walked away and when he was out of sight he turned to Jade and wrapped his arms around her again. She buried her head in his chest and cried. The two of them stood in the rain not saying a word. Then Jade looked up at David and said, "Thank you."
David smiled at her and pushed the wet hair out of her eyes. As they looked into each other's eyes their faces grew closer until finally their lips met. The kiss was full of passion and as it came to an end Jade wrapped her arms tightly around him. "I love you," he whispered to her as he trembled. For so long he had waited for that very kiss and those words to finally fall from his parted lips.
She drew her face closer to his and kissed him again. "I love you too," she whispered to him as she rested her head on his chest. He then kissed her forehead and they stood there in the rain holding each other.

♥

Wasted and Concerned

2004-12-31T21:12:44Z

"Wasted and Concerned"

Sometimes I sit here and wonder
If this is all worth fighting for
I'm just a spec
A stain on this rotating sphere
There are at least a thousand more people
Who would be better in my place
I can see it in your eyes

I'm a sucker
Cause I can't stand it when you pollute yourself
I guess I'm just a little too Catholic
A little too bitter and conservative
Maybe I'm just better standing over here
In the corner with out the lights

I won't deny a thing
You're the most important line in this storybook
I would slit my wrists
And watch myself bleed if it kept you happy
I'm a fool
And I worry too much

There is no doubt that we have different views
Just don't let them carry you away
Drink till you see the bottom of the bottle
But don't let it be your last
Take as many drags till the end of the filter
Just don't let it be your last breath
Don't let them carry you away

Please, just go out and have your fun with a healthy conscience
Just remember I'll be here when you return
With my eyes closed
And my hands folded tight
Wake me when it's over

Doesn't Understand Why Her Emotions Are Attached

2004-12-22T22:08:40Z

"Doesn't Understand Why Her Emotions Are Attached?"

She stands on the sidelines
With her hands arranged in prayer
Her eyes are fixed on a scene
That makes her stomach queasy
And her heart fill up with torment
She sees the anguish in their eyes
And she just wants to scream out and say
“Everything will be ok”
But the words never seem to sound right
Falling from her parted lips
So she stands where she is
Feeling helpless and ashamed

She doesn’t understand the reason why
Her emotions get attached to theirs
But she dislikes to seem them argue
To feel confused and alone
She can’t stand the morose expressions
That creep across their faces
So she tries to do her best
Tries to make the world a better place
But she doesn’t know what to say
Or how those words should sound
So she stands in silence and slowly is filled with remorse

She believes at times she is searching
Searching for something that she could never have
That she is to close for her own good
And should take a step back
But when that frown creeps across that beautiful face
She can’t help but run closer and try to turn it upside down
She knows that they could be getting annoyed
With all the things she tries to do
But she feels she can’t be happy
Until everything seems to be resolved
She’s a sucker for caring
It’s gotten her in trouble many times before

The Four Sided Octagon

2004-12-01T01:28:50Z

Here is the second short story in my series of short stories. Please after you read it tell me what you think. Let me know what I should change or what not. I'm totally open to suggestions. I apologize in advance if it sucks.

The Four Sided Octagon

Jade stood in the doorway of her bedroom looking out into her still trashed living room. The carpet was still soaked with blood and the shattered mirror was still all over the floor. It all seemed the same from the night before except for the vase of red roses sitting on the glass topped table in front of the couch.
Those roses seemed to make the room brighter and not as much as a mess as it was. She smiled at them, taking in their beauty. Though, she did not know where they came from. She looked back into her room quickly to see if Zach was still there, and he was indeed still lying in her bed fast asleep.
Walking closer to the flowers she bent down to see if there was a note attached. There was one tucked away and it read: I’m sorry…
Jade walked back to the bedroom door and looked in at Zach lying peacefully in her bed. He had fallen asleep in her arms as they lay on her bed while she was comforting him. After he had tried to cut himself she cleaned up the blood from his hands and tried to get him settled and dried his tears. Sometimes she felt like his mother, but she didn't mind.
She sighed and then turned back to the living room. Walking into her kitchen she grabbed a garbage bag and began to clean up the glass from the floor on the opposite side of the room. She had to get the place clean because soon David would be by to pick her up for work.

David had shown up at Jade's door at exactly 12:00 PM, as he did every weekday. She could set her watch by him. From there they went out to where his car was parked and they set out on their fifteen-minute drive to work. They worked at place known as The Four-Sided Octagon. Jade never really understood the name, because an octagon had eight sides and if it only had four sides it would no longer be an octagon but a square (or a rectangle depending on the length of the sides).
The Four-Sided Octagon was one of most well known underground concert venues in town. Bands came from all over the US (sometimes from Europe) to play there. No matter how large or small the band was, there was always a good-sized crowd there. Many teenagers and college kids came just because it gave them something to do and it was very cheep to get in most of the time.
Jade worked the front door, dealing with the ticket sales. She also booked bands, answered the telephone, and if anyone had any questions about the place they went to her. Dave worked the door sometimes, but most of the time he dealt with the soundboard and lights. He made sure the bands were set up right and sounded the best they could.
Dave had been working there since he was sixteen, and he was now twenty. He had pretty much grown up in that place. Jade had only worked there for a little over a year, but she had grown to know that place inside and out and it was like a home to her.
It was almost completely silent as Dave started off down the street. The only noise that could be heard was The Cure playing quietly on the car's sound system. Jade's eyes were focused on the car window beside her and seemed to be in her own world. Dave noticed this when he came to her door this morning. She seemed somewhat distant.
He noticed that Zach was still in her apartment when he got there. Zach was standing in the kitchen looking dazed and somewhat confused. Jade on the other hand looked torn and he could tell she was glad to see him when she opened the door.
"Is everything alright?" Dave asked quickly glancing at her.
"What?" she asked not looking away from the window.
"Are you ok? You just seem really quiet this afternoon. I mean, the Cure is playing and you usually sing along with every word that falls from Robert Smith's parted lips."
She looked at him and with her right hand playing with the hair on the back of her head she said, "Oh, I'm fine. I've just been in thought."
"About what?"
"Just about Zach. I think he is going to be staying at my place for a couple days until he gets back on his feet. He just went through a terrible break up."
"Oh. I see. Does he only come to you when his life is falling apart?" Dave asked somewhat annoyed.
"What are you talking about?" Jade asked confused.
"I don't know, I've just observed over the past couple weeks he has only come to see you when his life is on the verge of completely falling apart. He never seems to be there for you anymore."
"He's been away the past couple months with his band touring the East Coast. He's been super busy. Zach doesn't have time to listen to my problems and I completely understand that. No matter what I will always be here for him and my shoulder will always be ready for him to cry on. I can't be happy unless he is happy."
They were at a red light now and David turned to look at her. "You shouldn't base your happiness on another's, no matter how much you care for them. You can't be stuck in an emo world forever unless you are making money off of it, which you really aren't." The light turned green and his eyes went back to the road. "Jade, you need to start taking care of your own needs. I know you might be the only person who is willing to take care of Zach, but you still need to be happy."
Jade looked back out the window. Her thoughts went back to Zach and the night before. There was so much hurt in his eyes and so much alcohol on his breath. It hurt her so much to see him that way. She couldn't possibly start to explain to David why her emotions were so closely connected to the way Zach felt, for she could hardly explain it to herself. When you've loved someone for so long it's hard to stop caring for them, but maybe there was such a thing as caring too much. She understood where Dave was coming from and she had a feeling that he couldn't stand seeing her torn apart.
The car ride went on in silence for a few more minutes and then David asked, "What would you think about me buying the Four Sided Octagon?"
Jade looked at him almost startled. "Why would you buy the Four Sided Octagon?"
"Word on the street is Steve wants to sell the place. He just doesn't have his heart in the business anymore. I couldn't let him sell it to someone who is going to turn it into one of those retro coffeehouses or apartments. God, the last thing we need in this town is another retro coffee shop or another god damned apartment building."
"Oh my god! He can't!"
"But he can, that's what I'm worried about. I've been thinking about this for the past three years now. I could tell he was starting to lose interest and I think he is going to make his move soon."
Jade looked at him with her mouth wide open. She couldn't believe this. Her life with out the Four-Sided Octagon would be nothing. "How would you afford it?"
"I've been saving money up since I was seventeen to open my own venue. I've accumulated a lot over the years and I think it might just be enough to buy the place. Plus, I'm almost like a son to Steve and he would cut me a break. I know his heart might not be in the business anymore, but I know he is still true to the underground music scene."
Putting her hand on his shoulder she said, "Davey, if this indeed is true and he is going to sell the place, I will do whatever it takes to help you buy it. You are one of the only people I could actually see running that place keeping it real and true to what it is."
At this moment he had pulled into the parking lot of the Four-Sided Octagon and he parked the car. He looked over at Jade and into her eyes. He put his hand on her knee and replied, "I am going to need as much help as I can get and I would like nothing more than your help in this. I'm going to need someone's support."
Jade put her hand on his that was still on her knee. She squeezed it tightly. "I'll be there for you every step of the way. After all, you've always been here for me."
With that she gave him one last look and got out of the car leaving him there. He watched her as she walked into the building. Clutching his hands together he sighed. There were so many words on his mind that he could not bring himself to say, and it was killing him.

“Whose playing tonight?” a tall, slightly balding, middle aged man asked Jade. It was Steve, the owner. He stood at the entrance of the concert area. He held the black, metal, large double doors open with his two beastly arms. He was very muscular and very large. He seemed very at home in the small entrance area with its black and red painted walls.
Jade stood behind a counter that was adjacent to the front door and the double doors. All there was on the counter was a telephone, register, and a large black, leather bound book. The book was open and Jade was leaning on the counter reading its contents allowed. “For Many October Nights with Glass Eyes, Poisoned Tears, and Ricky’s Got a Gun. It’s a local showcase.”
“Good turn out?” he asked.
“The bands have each sold twenty tickets each, so it’s looking good. I wouldn’t expect any lines waiting outside though before the show. If there is one, expect like ten people at the most.”
He nodded and turned seemingly to be pleased with the answers he received. He disappeared back into the dark room behind him. Jade sat down on a stool that was behind the counter. She looked around her. There were many framed mini posters of past bands that played there. She remembered a lot of the recent ones and they brought a smile to her face. There were many old ones though, that she wished she had witnessed.
In one of the dark corners she spotted a familiar face in one of the posters she had not remembered seeing before. She stood up and walked closer to it. The caption below the group picture read: Somber Lullabies
She could not place the band name with the face she saw before her. The five young men in the picture looked to be in their mid teens and they looked rebellious. The young man in the center seemed so familiar to her but no matter how hard she looked she couldn’t place the face with a name.
He seemed so handsome whoever he was. His long black hair fell into his face, covering one of his eyes. There was a silver ring wrapped around his lower lip. He didn’t seem to smile, but his eyes sparkled anyway. The mystery around him intrigued Jade. She had to figure out who this man was.
“Jade, have you…” a voice said from behind. Jade quickly tore herself from the black and white photograph poster to look at the speaker. It was David.
He was looking at her puzzled. “Yes?” she asked.
He shook his head and continued. “Have you seen the brand new box of light bulbs I bought for the stage?”
“Um… I believe they are in the trunk in the second room to the side of the stage. The blue and black trunk, not the red and grey one.”
David hit himself in the head. “That’s right! Thanks!” With that he ran off back into the darkness of the concert area room, just like Steve had.
Jade watched as the doors closed against each other and then she went back to sitting on the stool behind the counter. She put her elbows on its polished wooden top and leaned on them and stared at the open book. She had at least an hour before the bands began to show up.
She enjoyed talking to the bands that came in and hearing their stories. They always seemed so eager to talk to her and fill her in on their lives. Everyone had an easy time talking to her, for she seemed to listen so well. She didn’t mind listening, because most of the stories fascinated her. Even the local bands were interesting, because she didn’t really know what it was like to grow up in the streets of California. The West Coast seemed to be so much different from the East Coast, at least this place was different from her small town in Pennsylvania.
Her thoughts began to wonder once again to Zach. He was one of the main reason that drove her all the way over here and now he sat in her apartment sulking. She hardly said anything to him before she left for work. He stood holding her for the longest time apologizing for his actions. Every time he held her close she got the strangest feeling inside and she wasn’t sure if she liked it.
By the time David had come to the door she had pushed him away and stood across the room from him. She didn’t know if letting him stay in her apartment for awhile was a good idea or not. She loved being around him, but sometimes it just hurt her so much inside. There was a constant feeling of needles being pricked in her sides. She loved him so much and nothing could ever really change those feelings, she just wish there was something that would take it away from time to time.
The phone rang yanking her from her thoughts. She answered. “Hello, Four Sided Circle.”
"Jade, it's Zach," the voice on the other line said.
"Oh hello."
"I had a question for you."
"Yes?
"Would it be alright if I had a few people over tonight? I mean, it's just going to be a few and I promise we will keep the alcohol to a minimum."
Jade sighed. "Fine, as long as they are out of the house by the time I get home, which will be pretty late."
"Are you sure?" he asked sweetly.
"Yes. Just, make sure there're out and my apartment doesn't reek like alcohol. The smell sickens me."
He laughed into the phone. "Of course my love. The house will smell like roses when you return home and everyone will be gone."
Jade didn't wait for him to say anything else and she didn't say goodbye, she just hung up the phone. Her heart slowly sank in her chest. He was almost back to his normal self, she should be happy, but she wasn't. Just the thought of him hitting the bottle and conversing with a group of people at the same time gave her a weird feeling. His social gatherings were a recipe for moral disaster.
"Jade are you alright? Why are you crying?" David's voice said from beside her.
She looked up confused. "What?" she asked.
"Jade, there are tears rolling down your cheeks, didn't you notice?" He looked very concerned.
Jade shook her head and Dave sat down next to her. He put his hand up to her cheek and wiped away the glistening tear that sat just below her eye. She took his hand away from her cheek and held it in her hand. Then she collapsed into his arms and he held her as she wept.

♥

He Tries to Disappear

2004-11-29T23:22:04Z

"He Tries to Disappear"

He writes on the walls
Hoping someone will see
They never look this way
Or give him the time of day
He pulls at the strings attached to his limbs
He feels so controlled and so hopelessly alone

Each day he wakes up to a void that's getting larger
Closes his eyes and tries to imagine himself gone
No one would miss him
No one would care
He closes his eyes and tries to disappear

He stands back in a corner
And watches all the smiling faces
He feels temporary comfort in their happiness
But he wishes that he could have an ounce of his own
That something would go right
That his cards would fall into the right deck

Every night he dreams of leaving this place
Wraps himself in his nightmares and takes them for what their worth
He says, "There is no sense in dreaming
If every wish is ripped away
Or granted to someone else"
He closes his eyes and tries to disappear

There is that constant feeling
That there is a thorn in his side
The pain is never fleeing it just numbs his senses
But he faces the world with a smile on his face
Even with this brick in his heart

He sits alone in his room
Waiting for the nightmares to emerge
Holding his head in his hands
And telling himself that he is worthless
Wishing for the numbness to subside
He closes his eyes and tries to disappear

A Small Reflection

2004-11-28T19:22:47Z

"A Small Reflection"

She wrote the words upon her wrists
The pain inside that she regrets
She holds her breath until she turns blue
Or until her sobs subside

She keeps a bank of harmful words
Locked deep inside her memory
Each one scars her more and more
Until she has nothing left of her confidence

She sits alone in the pouring rain
Listening to their laughter not to far away
She longs for the conversation
But she has nothing worthy to say

She has a hard time trusting
Or opening up and spilling her guts
She knows she has problems
She's just to afraid to make a move

Shattered Glass and Broken Hearts

2004-11-17T01:36:28Z

This is a short story I wrote for English. Please read it and coment and let me know what you think. If it sucked, please tell me. Thanks.
♥

Jade sat on a white couch in her dimly lit living room apartment. Her hands were tangled in her short burgundy hair and tears were swelling up in her eyes. All she could hear was her friend Zach singing "Imagine" by John Lennon out on the balcony. He was drunk and he held a newly opened bottle of beer in his hand as he swayed back and forth.
The white shaggy carpet on the wooden floor was soaked with blood and leading from it to the balcony not far away were tiny drops of now drying blood. A mirror was shattered in one corner next to a knocked over wooden chair. The usually very tidy room was a mess and it was filled so thickly with tension and fear.
This clear summer evening was starting to slowly fall apart in front of Jade. Everything was going fine until she came home and found Zach drunk at her front door. He was leaning up against the door holding a beer in one hand and the rest of a newly bought six pack in the other. This in itself was a bad sign. Zach never drank around her because for one she was only nineteen and second he knew how much she was against it. This meant that he had been drowning his sorrows and got kicked out of a bar or friend’s house.
She knew she had to let him in, for when he drank he got destructive and she didn’t want him to hurt himself. No matter how much she hated to see him like this, she had to be there for him.
Jade had gotten him to sit down on the couch and she took the beer from him. “I think you’ve had enough,” she had said to him and she took it out of his hands and into her small kitchen that was connected to the living room.
“Oh come on! I’ve only had a few! You know I don’t over drink…ever,” he said to her slurring his words from time to time.
Coming back into the living room she had sat down next to him and looked him straight in the eyes, “I know you Zach, you did not just have a couple of beers, but more like a couple six packs of beers. What are you doing here?”
“I needed a place to go, they kicked me out. Plus, I needed someone to converse with. I know you Jade, even though I screwed with you so many times and broke your heart, you are always here to listen to me.” He had taken her hand then and she could see that tears were beginning to form in his eyes.
“What happened?” she asked concerned.
He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. His breath smelled heavy of alcohol. “Jacob broke up with me. He said that I was too punk rock for him. He said he needed a more sensitive and caring guy that would be there for him when he needed him. I was always there for Jacob! I even took him on tour with the band cause I knew he would rise a stink about it.”
“Zach, I’m so sorry. I don’t want you becoming all emo now because of this. Cheer up. You deserve better than Jacob anyway, he never really knew you.”
“No! He knew me better than almost anyone! Almost better than you knew me! I gave my heart to him and he broke it into millions of small pieces!” By now Zach was standing and full of rage. He was pulling at his jean jacket, which was full of buttons and patches of various punk bands. “He broke my heart! I…I must not be the handsome guy I used to be. I’ve become ugly while in my punk rock pursuit…”
He walked over to the mirror in the corner of the room. Looking at his own reflection tears began to roll down his face and he ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair. “Zach, you have not changed at all. You are still the same person you were five years ago. You more handsome than you ever were. Please, just sit down and just relax,” Jade said pleading with him. She knew he was at his peak of frustration.
“Recover the pieces, recover the pieces, it’s all I’ve got and remember me not…” Zach began to say. He was quoting “Face or Kneecaps” by the Movielife and Jade knew this was bad because they were not a punk bad, but more of an emo band Jacob used to listen to. “This feeling is empty, this feeling is empty, it’s all you gave to me and all those things you put me through. You lost the only thing you had to left to lose. Tragic mistake!”
As the last few words fell from his quivering lips he brought his fist up to the mirror and smashed it. It fell to the floor shattering. When he brought back his hand it was cut in five different places and blood began to drip from his open wounds.
Jade sat on the couch in horror and was afraid to move. When he was like this she didn’t know what to do. She watched him as he walked over to where the white shaggy carpet was in front of her. “Under the circumstance, you act like a kid and you walked away. What was the last thing that you said? Shying away, 'cause you wanted it every day, and you lost it all, and you lost it all.”
“Zach…” Jade began to say but her cut her off with picking up a nearby chair and throwing it across the room where the mirror lay shattered.
“See what he has me doing? I’m singing the Movielife. I need a drink!” With that he went into the kitchen and found the confiscated beer and went out on to the balcony and began to sing “Imagine”.
Jade did not know what to do. She had seen many drunken people night after night at the Four Sided Octagon, the concert venue where she worked. She knew how to deal with them but this was different. Zach was the person in the world she cared for the most. Seeing him torn apart and drunk made her heart break.
She had known Zach for more than five years, three of which they had dated back when she used to live in Pennsylvania. She left there to move to California because of not only her family not believe in her dreams to be in a band, but because Zach had broken up with her, not for another woman, but for a man. He had told her that he was no longer interested in women, but preferred the company of men. She was so in love with him and she still was. It tore her apart every day seeing him being happy with out her, but she kept in touch and stayed his best friend. He had followed her out to California.
Jade looked at Zach’s silhouette out on the balcony and began to cry now. He was not himself. It was like he was replaced by a tempest of emotion that would explode at any moment. She didn’t like him when he was like this, but she was the only one that would put up with him and would be there for him when he would drink. She watched him as he slowly began to climb up on the ledge of the balcony’s railing and panic began to rise inside of her.
Quickly she got up and ran to the sliding glass doors. “Zach! What are you doing?” she asked in full panic.
Zach arms were now outstretched to his sides, almost as if he was pretending to be Jesus about to be crucified. “What’s the point of living? There is nothing for me here. Jacob hates me, my parents disowned me for who I am, and all my friends could careless about this bag of bones. I don’t see the purpose.”
He took a look down and then back up to his right hand where he had a bottle of bear in his hand. Then he dropped the bottle and watched it fall to the ground. “Zach! Please! Whatever you are thinking, please don’t. No matter what you will always mean the world to me and you know that! You never once left my heart even after you yourself broke it. I would rather suffer than watch you suffer. You don’t deserve any of this.”
Zach turned his head slowly and looked at Jade. “You are lying. How could you still love me? You left Pennsylvania and me behind with out even a goodbye. That doesn’t show love.”
“I left because I was confused and hurt. I spent three of the best years of my life with you, and it all just suddenly fell apart. You meant everything to me…and you still do.” Tears rolled down her face.
Zach jumped down off the ledge back onto the balcony. He slowly walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her and began to weep. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I can’t help this feeling inside. I can’t help what I am.”
As the words fell from his parted lips there was a knock at the door. Jade tore herself away from him and went to the door stepping over the broken glass on the way. She opened the door and standing there was a tall, skinny, brown haired man. He was wearing girl jeans that were very tight on him and a t-shirt that clung to his slightly muscular body. His hands were deep inside the pockets of his jeans.
“David, what are you doing here?” Jade asked the man standing at the door.
“I heard some noise from downstairs and came to see if everything was ok,” he answered looking her straight in the eyes.
“Everything is fine; my friend just accidentally broke the mirror hanging on my wall.” She smiled at him, but it was a very weak smile.
“You’ve been crying,” he said. Then he looked over her shoulder and saw the blood all over the carpet. “Jade! What happened in here?” He began to push his way in and looked around the room, his eyes stopped on Zach was leaning against the doorway for the sliding glass doors.
He looked back at Jade. “What is going on here?”
“Nothing, everything is alright. David, please, just leave. I have everything under control.”
“Yeah…get out of here,” Zach said with a hint of jealousy in his voice.
David walked over to Jade who was still standing in the doorway. He took her hands and looked her in the eyes. “You would tell me if something was wrong wouldn’t you? You would tell me if you were hurt? If Zach is doing anything else to hurt you, I could help. I’m always here for you.”
“Get away from her!” Zach screamed at him and began to walk towards them. “She said everything was fine. Everything is peachy. You are hurting her by being here.”
Jade took David’s hand and looked at him. “David please just leave. I will call you in the morning and we can talk,” she said to him then squeezed his hand. He turned around and took one last look at Zach and then gave Jade a quick hug. Then he left closing the door behind him.
“I can see you no longer need me. I can see that you’ve finally begun to move on. No one needs to me anymore…” Zach said and then knelt down and picked up a piece of glass from the floor. As he kneeled on the floor he placed the glass to his wrist and pressed it into his skin. He began to cry.
Jade quickly rushed to his side. “Zach, I still need you! You will forever be my best friend. Don’t do this to yourself!” She put her hands on his shoulders and he slowly looked up with blood shot eyes. He dropped the glass.
“Forgive me,” he said as he fell into her arms weeping.
She held him close and tried to comfort him. “I have already forgiven you.”